For the past couple years I have been having these repetitive dreams my husband divorces me. I could never understand what my subconscious message was & always felt a little fearful the dream might come true. In my heart I knew it was not true, but it did motivate me to evaluate who I was in my marriage & what I could do better. During this process, it came to light that my husband was feeling fear of me leaving him, how ironic! (Inner world=outer world). At this stage, I was still not understanding the deeper meaning of the dream. However, through the self-evaluation I have come to learn to open myself to love and admiration more. To be kinder and handle things with more grace, but still acknowledging things that make me angry or frustrated without less acting out. I have become more aware of my feelings of pushing people away & even my dogs away when they are too nice to me or show me pure love. Recognizing the ways I need to find balance in accepting the goodness in my life.
On the Eve of the Summer Solstice my dream reoccurred, but shifted a bit. I dreamt I was married to this man, who in real life I have never met & we were living in a house with lots of clutter, in real life I don’t live in much clutter. In the dream I told him I realized he didn’t really love me. His look back at me told me it was true. We then decided for the upcoming holiday, (in the dream it was Thanksgiving) he would spend it with his family & I would stay home. He needed separation. Next I saw him drive off with his family without me, they were all so happy and it left me with a familiar, yet horrible feeling I was unable to pinpoint in the dream. I felt awful being home alone in the clutter and was concerned of what my present day husband (conscious twist) would think of me living in all this clutter. I was embarrassed & fearing judgement. The rest of the dream I do not remember in such great detail, but it entailed me driving somewhere north (the future) in anticipation of getting this job and a new place to live. Someone referred me to this job of which I felt needy & overdependent to get, because I was in survival mode and unemployed. All day I couldn’t pinpoint the feeling I felt seeing my husband (the dream husband) driving off with his family. That evening, as I lay in bed trying to relief some neck & shoulder pain with massage & pressure, I started to think about how I should write about ancestral healing & finding your roots. Going inward to hear spirit as I put pressure on my pain points, I resonated with the feeling in my dream I couldn’t define, it was rejection. My dream was symbolic (the unknown husband/cluttered house) & it was showing me I had “unconscious rejection” (not being able to define the feeling in the dream.) It was illustrating how my inner rejection was playing out in my outer world unconsciously, leaving me a victim. Because I was not conscious of the feeling of rejection, it leads me to believe the rejection is deeply rooted. The second part of the dream illustrates what I typically do when I am at a starting over point. Decide to move on from the rejection feeling helpless & hoping someone will come rescue me. It is definitely my go to in that moment of “Oh no, I need to start over, how do I do that?” “How will I survive?” At some point, I take time to pause and put my faith in spirit & begin to define what I want moving forward, I realize I have the ability to rescue myself and I have tools to make my next move. I ask that what I need to empower my path be sent & that it be for the good of all. But if I don’t ever come round to empowerment, this leads me to more rejection, fear of failure & desperate feelings of fear to survive. I end up extending myself to others in a needy, overly dependent state of motivation. I attract people who over extend themselves and develop co-dependency. Not the most productive route & is usually painful until I understand the need to change course.
The second dream has illustrated the influences of the potential for deep healing from this past Full Moon (the unconscious). The web I have been unweaving the past couple years consciously, has shown itself as there is more to discover on an unconscious level. So in a meditative state, I started to venture back how early I remember rejection in my life. The last incident I remember was at a young age. My oldest sister told me was when I was born, my dad wanted a boy. They already had 3 girls & one boy & my dad wanted another boy, but it was not meant to be as here I was, born a girl. She said he came home from the hospital and said “It’s another girl”, with disappointment. Growing up I never felt the disappointment of that from them & my parents gave me a great life with pretty normal trivia here and there. But the truth is, when I entered this earth I was greeted with some level of rejection & disappointment of who I was. This was in my unconscious from a very young age & possibly I came into this life with this karmic burden of needing healing of rejection. Or perhaps I carry ancestral rejection, things I now have to dig deeper to see if they exist.
I wanted to share a few things about myself that I recognize now as unconscious influences of this rejection. At a young age, I always wished I was a boy. I liked being with my dad and brother more than having to do domestic stuff with my mom & sisters. I did play with Barbie dolls & had other dolls in which I enjoyed, but my best friends were the neighborhood boys and I much more preferred playing with them. As I grew older, I dressed like a boy and was considered a tomboy. I actually got pulled from the women’s restroom once at my brother’s football game by a police officer who told me, “Hey buddy, your bathroom is over there!” That’s how committed I was to my tomboy! This however all stopped when I reached my adolescents and started crushing on boys. I was very shy and struggled to make my crushes known in fear I would be rejected & the power of shy controlled me. Even when a boy I liked would express to me they felt the same way, I was too shy to look at them or engage with them. I do believe shyness can be a protective mechanism until there is balance in the moment & the knowledge of how to proceed. But on the other hand, to protect yourself & never try, doesn’t allow for growing and learning. We have to find balance in risk taking. At this young age, my shy behavior would give the message I was not reciprocating the interest & I would lose the boy by rejecting him & then I was hurt and rejected as well. This pattern repeated itself many times & I still use shyness as a protective mechanism in certain situations in my life. But I like to think I have grown to a more balanced use of it.
In conclusion of my dreams, the past couple years I have been working on being more authentic to my true self. Because of the dreams, I see that one of my blocks keeping me from attaining authenticity is rejection, both conscious & unconscious. And I now know that it is deeply rooted and I have more to discover as I heal this wound. I am grateful for this “Gifted Truth” and will continue to set intentions to “Inspire Blossoms” – aka, growth & healing. The New Moon is next week, so I know what will be included in my intention setting. I am so grateful for my dreams and the influences of this past Full Moon to help me uncover this lesson. Thank you to spirit and the universe for your guidance and inspirations!
With that said, lets draw a card to see what spirit has to say to us about rejection and what it is we need to know for our highest good! I drew from the Enchanted Map deck by Collette Baron-Reid the card “Intentions” in protection (upside down). After I drew the card, I had self-doubt it was the right card, so I drew another from my Wisdom of the Oracle deck, also by Collette. I drew “Thinker” in protection. The message from “Thinker” basically said to give my mind a rest and to flow with spirit & trust spirit has a the guidance & message if I’ll trust. Okay, so let go of the doubt of the 1st card and go with it. But to remember not to overthink or be motivated to act on doubt. Unless you are drawing an Oracle Card which will get you back on track, ha! Back to the “Intention” card regarding what we need to hear about rejection. The essential meaning of the card is “Deliberate, clear intentions have the power to change your world.” Intuitively I feel this card is saying to recognize the pain rejection has brought to your life. Identify your motives that have led you to rejection, how you have felt when you made the decisions that resulted in rejection. Rest, meditate and take the time to be clear on your motives before acting & moving forward with your goals & solutions. Trust the truth in your heart and be brave, but clear of your perspective before proceeding. Don’t act blindly or blast your way forward. Have a plan, identify what wounds or feelings come up in the thought of proceeding and recognize how they influence your actions forward. Is this conclusion what is really in your heart? Recognize there may be the need to do some healing work before action toward the final goal. Find a balanced emotional & intellectual starting point that is guided by the inspiration of spirit and the love in your heart and begin there. When we are learning and growing, it requires putting ourselves out there blindly to some degree and gives us the opportunity to change course and refine our strategy. Don’t walk off a cliff and suffer the unexpected consequences when you have the opportunity to discover the passion and truth in your heart that talks to you as you begin forward through the learning process. Guiding you to what is your truth. What this card is saying, is evaluate to what degree you are willing to stir the pot and affect others in the process. Remember every action has a reaction. Be as clear as you can on your motives and proceed with good intentions as you learn and grow. Most importantly, be authentic to yourself with the wish to be of service to others in a loving way. With this effort, the universe will guide and support you in return as you open yourself to the cues and messages of guidance while learning and attaining successfully. Remember that your answers may not always come from what you expect. Spirit will give you what you need & as long as it feels right in your heart, learn to trust it is the right path. Also remember, rejection doesn’t have to be devastating. It can just be a cue to change course when you are in touch with your highest good.
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